Working with Defensive and Resistant Clients in Tarot with Jenne Perlstein

Imagine a client Ann who comes to you saying that she keeps getting involved with the wrong men and asking when will she meet the ‘right’ one? She draws the Emperor and the 6 of cups as obstacles on her path. You reflect back that issues from her past and her relationship with her father, might be preventing her from having a fulfilling relationship. She quietens, and mumbles ‘the men are the obstacle: they don’t let me do what I want!’

Her relationship with her father was ‘fine’, but strict. ‘I was his only daughter’. You ask: were her boyfriends ‘fatherly’ towards her? Ann says ‘No’, crosses her arms and looks away guiltily, and says ‘my boyfriend was caring not fatherly, when he paid off my large credit card debt!’

As Tarot readers we have all seen clients like Ann, not owning their history or responsibility in relationship patterns and resisting your interpretations. What you are encountering is, as Sigmund Freud called them, ‘Defence mechanisms’! Defence Mechanism’s do not ‘explain’ behaviour but are unconscious distortions of reality, used to protect our ‘egos’ when there is conflict, stress or painful feelings/memories (http://faculty.atu.edu/swomack/3023ch2/sld006.htm 2014).

http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/16234/1/The-Ego-Defense-Mechanisms.html

They are OK in moderation e.g. when there is a crisis and you have to function for a short period but can become maladaptive if used all the time and unconsciously.

Ann has some conscious awareness about her problems e.g. the debt payment but seems to be unconsciously using denial, avoidance, rationalisation, projection and displacement because the reading is uncomfortable for her, and is highlighting her lack of responsibility. What are these Defence mechanisms?

Key Defence Mechanisms

Denial

Defence against external threat e.g. loneliness, illness; criticism; not picking up on another’s unhappiness; not taking responsibility for changing. Ann’s denies her difficult relationship with her father, projects her ‘father’ issues onto her boyfriends and avoids her own part in the relationship dynamic. (4 Pentacles, 4 Cups, 9 Cups)

Rationalisation

Assigning logical or socially desirable motives to what we do, so that we seem to have acted rationally or properly e.g. Ann’s boyfriend was being ‘caring’ not fatherly. (8 Swords, Knight of Swords)

Projection

Placing our own undesirable traits (shadow) in an exaggerated manner onto others e.g. Ann blaming her ex boyfriends – it’s all their fault; accepting their fatherly nurturance/rescuing of her with the debt payment, yet feeling frustrated and disliking their telling her what to do. Unconsciously, she may want to be rescued or fathered by her partners and is replaying out or projecting her difficult relationship with her father (Emperor, 6 cups) onto them. (4 Cups, Devil, 9 cups, Knight of Cups, Fool). Ann denies the connection between this and her current relationships.

Displacement

Displacing an unacceptable feeling towards a person or situation onto someone or something else: e.g. Ann’s anger towards her father is displaced onto her boyfriends. The ‘other’ is made bad ‘not me’. (Hilgard 1979 et al). (Devil)

Why is this happening?

Ann is likely to be reliving her unhappy relationship with her father via her boyfriends, but not wanting to confront uncomfortable feelings or take responsibility. Ann wants a quick fix! (Magician).

Here’s what you can try

If you have a similar client to Ann:

• Empathy: Standing in Ann’s shoes. Don’t be critical or judgmental but acknowledge the difficult feelings. It is hard when you feel like this about relationships Ann, and that it’s the men who are the problem. This and the cards, help Ann to get in touch with emotional energy, not just logic.
• Acceptance Show respect for Ann’s resistance/defences by accepting the way she feels. Ann – you really feel that men are the difficult ones.
• Let uncomfortable feelings sit with Ann as this provides emotional compulsion to change. Don’t try to solve the client’s problems. Saying ‘we’- implies you have taken on the problem as your own.
• Use silence which creates pressure for the client to fill the space.
• Ask an open ended question, not ‘yes or no’ questions. How do you feel about your ex –boyfriend having paid off your debt?
• Immediacy Tune in to what is going on here- right now! Talk about ‘the elephant in the room!’ Raise the issue up front about what is happening right now, by saying something about what the client is expressing, either verbally or via body language. E.g. Ann, you have gone quiet and seem uncomfortable. What’s happening for you?
• Colombo technique: The client may see you as having all the answers, pushing against your interpretations, misunderstanding your role or not wanting to take responsibility. Take a position of naiveté-curiosity; be less knowledgeable and inexperienced, uncertain and puzzled (like Detective Colombo from the 70’s TV show). This way you provide less of a position against which to resist. Try ‘agreeing’ with Ann e.g. ‘Ann your ok with letting your ex being caring and paying off your debt but you don’t want to be told what to do? I am confused’. This will keep clients constantly having to explain things to you. Treat the client like an expert teaching you about their situation: the more the client is explaining, the more he/she is working and the less he/she is resisting!

All these techniques can help you with clients like Ann who are defensive and resistant. You and your clients will find consultations much more satisfying and less like a battlefield!
Jenne

References: Effective Techniques for Dealing with Highly Resistant Clients by Clifton W. Mitchell 2012
http://faculty.atu.edu/swomack/3023ch2/sld006.htm 2014; Intro to Psychology Hilgard 1979 et al. http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/16234/1/The-Ego-Defense-Mechanisms.html

About Jenne

Jenne Perlstein MBBS, BSW, Cert IV TAE, CMC, Prof MemberTGA, Cert Appl Astrology, is an experienced Tarot reader/counsellor of 19 years and Social Worker of 28 years. Jenne has a degree in Medicine including psychology and psychiatry. Jenne teaches’ Tarot Counselling and Mental Health Skills’ course as an Introduction to Counselling for Tarot Readers and offers a supervision group, in the hope these build confidence, enhance readers skills, offer boundaries, protection for the reader and a depth in helping with client’s issues. Jenne also has other course such ‘Secret Ingredient to Relationship Readings’ and ‘Difficult Clients’. All courses available through: http://globalspiritualstudies.com/presentations/jenne-perlstein/

jenne@tarotastrocounselling.com.au
www.tarotastrocounselling.com.au

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